Liars, Delivered, 3 Feelings

Short pub jokes:

Liar:

A man is dying of Cancer.

His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of
AIDS?"

Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch ur mom"
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Delivered:

John sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two seconds later a report
came to his phone and he started dancing. The report
said, "DELIVERED".
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Three Feelings:

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is
pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.