Affair #3

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly, "My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"Everything's all right. Go to sleep."

"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know," Becky whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."

Affair #2

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr Schwartz, he made an amazing discovery

Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his scalpel to remove the dead man's privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, opening his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

Affair #1

There was a middle-age couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to find the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of the child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters, I fathered," he cried. Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

Present

For his birthday Little Matt asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Matt heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Matt told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an £80,000 mortgage and no f**king bike!"

This Weekend's Targets!!!

For personal use:

1. Peacock Bass

HABITAT - Successful in warm, slow flowing canals, ponds, lakes, deep rock pits, and lateral canals; frequently found in shady areas around bridges, culverts, canal intersections, bends, dead ends, and near fallen trees; spawns and often feeds in shallow water adjacent shorelines with overhanging vegetation.

FEEDING HABITS – Feed almost exclusively on fish; tend to use great speed to capture prey; typically feeds only during daylight hours; this fish has helped reduce the number of undesirable exotic fishes, especially the spotted tilapia.

SPORTING QUALITY - Hard-fighting, panfish-type fishery; strikes a variety of baits including cut fish, cut shrimp, crickets, and worms; best artificial baits include small jigs tipped with cut bait and small spinnerbaits; flyfishing also productive; described as a boom and bust fishery since periodically experience major winterkills but when abundant, angler catch rates are exceptional; no bag or size limits.

EDIBILITY – Good but the real value of this fish is in its use for controlling over-abundant exotic forage fishes and its sporting qualities; therefore FWC encourages anglers to catch and release these fish, especially those longer than 14 inches. (not so in Malaysia?)

2. Blue Tilapia

HABITAT – Widespread and abundant; found in fertile lakes, ponds, rivers, streams, and canals. It is tolerant of saltwater and found in some near shore marine habitats.

FEEDING HABITS - Feed primarily on plankton and small organisms living in or on bottom detritus; dominant food items in stomachs of fish were detritus, algae, diatoms, and plant material.

SPORTING QUALITY - Not normally known for their angling quality. The exception being some urban anglers catch these in ponds using small pieces of hot dogs, bread balls, dog food, or live worms; rarely caught on artificial lures. There is also a group of avid bow anglers that target this species.

EDIBILITY – White flaky meat with a mild flavor; considered excellent eating, and farm-raised fish often sold in grocery stores.

gotta try the hot dog this weekend…lol